READ BOTTOM ENTRY BEFORE THIS ONE.

adding on to what  i said before, i tried telling a couple of other of my friends about this mess, and i've come to a conclusion that nobodyreally cares about how another person feels to actualy go try and help out with words or actions. its hard to seek comfort from jane when even though she causes my happiness, she also causes my pains. but i gues im not too good at hiding those..

basicly these webpages are for clarence, kitty, wolfie, and cryholy to read hehe i guess cause they're the only xanga users i know that actually still use this.

i havn't been emotionally stable lately for drama in my life. i guess ill try to sum this up pretty easily. me and this girl jane are bestfriends. i've known her for 2 years. and up to now, we are still best friends. while back we faced the fact that we loved each other. and that love was all the same (towards parents, friends, parnter, etc) just how we express this love determines what level it is. so we've been telling each other that we love each other. but i realized couple months ago, that i actually "liked" her as well. i held that attraction in for me for a month.. the happiest month i had for along time. i was deliriously happy. we started to really get close to each other, doing this that might not be all that appropriate in a friendship. after a month of holding that likeness of her, i told her, thinking that she would either leave me because of this or have differnet feelings for her. nothing bad happend. she seemed flaattered for a little while. she told me that she didn't really "like" me but  still loved me. the reason was cause she thought i was too young. then this is where all goes downhill.

we have our little group of close friends, 3 guys 1 girl, me, james, sky and jane. james came in a year ago. and sky came in half a year ago. sky was the oldest of us three and i was the youngest. sky is also very talented in many fields. and eventually started to chat with jane online alot. i don't really mind anything at all. but soon, jane begins to try hard to divide our friendship to fill in others. of course jsut as a frined i got a bit jealous like, you knew me for 2 years and them for a little while and now you divide your attentino of me to them?. we had many convos about how i felt. she being really lovely, wants everyone to be happy. and especially me to be happy. back then , i kindof got crushed when she asked sky to prom when they dind' know each other that much. last friday sky asked her to a semi formal of a celebratino of a show he was part of. i gues thats when their relatinoship status went up. sunday, she told me that she liked sky alot. thats what crushed me alot. i know sky likes her. i feel betrayed by my own best friend, i talked to her alot more than sky, i hung out with her alot more than sky (every day on weekends, once or twice on school days and wetalk on the phone 3 times a week for about 1-2 hours.), and even know her alot more than him. and she the same with me. she told me that the reason we couldn't be together, is i was young, and that her parents wouldn't aprove of me.

lol this has been eating away at me for a while and i just needed thigns to right. ill try to right a bit of how i feel.

today is tuesday, 2 days after we talked. i feel like i've been smacked by reality right in the mouth and im still stunned by it. i guess i've been so head over heels over her i kindof now have a slight grudge for her but jane still tries to care for me, i just feel like now im not as special anymore, cause of course you would think about your crush much more best friend..... i think i've been drawing away from God, from being so caught up within myself. i gues i should ask him for some help

this week hasn't been much, not much like others.... been waking up early with a yawn.... i never get enough sleep... i never can't.. i can go to sleep for 24 hours and,.. no wait, i never can wake up past 10 hour, so im always tired.i realized something... its like this...

you see someone and you look at them and observe them sometimes i realized that iin my life, there is always someone in the past or futur that feels exactly like them.... look like doen'st mean just face... its like hair styel+size+height+body parts+face overal. sometimes voice.....i realize that people that i don't see anymore will sometimes be replaced by another person i meet with almost the exact same personality/looks

some people as example... lol

hannah/essy   - anna(she is so cute!)jk                 david-garret(short atheletic in soccer, punkiish)          claire-radha(noticed that 2 out of 3 claires are hot)     caleb-corey(acts like him+hyperactive)        lauri-cori(aisian face makes them fimilar and their short hight         kjersti - miranda/rukki/ALOT OF PEOPLE       etc... so many more out there

its like God has a code so maybe bob has long hair and kindof stubby chubbish long face etc... then you don't see him then someone else with exactly long hair and kindof stubby chubbish long face etc... shows up.... its hard but is not like the details because everyone is unique but like overall shape. llike when playing a video game and you can custimize your character and all ....

i also notice that in a class, there are at least 1 or 2 hot girls in them... few geeks, some aisian geeks, 1 or 2 cocasion geek, maybe 1 or 2 goth/emo, 1 hyperactive, 1 tomboy, 1 pimp, 1 highly atheletc, 1 funny, 1 dumb, few fashion people, etc... and so i noticed that all my life, my class are is like this then with other people...

lol life back here is kindof hard to live.... well tomorow we have a whole day field trip to librety science center...  prat that ill have fun.... i might need a good friend or 2 xD havn't tried making some after moved... have some neightborrhodod friends that i hang out wit....(we played dingdongditch today).... well thats about it